Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Discovery of Self

Well it has been a rough 6 months to say the least.  I have been in the midst of some hard stuff and I have not always walked with grace or self control...or any sense of self whatsoever.

Did you ever have a problem, and while you needed help to fix wanted to fix it yourself before you asked for help?  You know, the old "I can do this on my own and I don't need a bunch of people all up in my business"  Well, I was there and sometimes I still am.  But it was too much.

I needed help.  Once I made the decision that it was way over my head, I didn't know what to do and would probably drown in the process....I stopped, I prayed and I listened.  And then the journey really started. Peter Gabriel explains it perfectly.

I won't go into details, they don't matter anyway.  What matters is- it took a weekend of me running away from home, alone, to the  Be alone, be with God, be in my own skin.  To not depend on activities and events and commitments to keep me busy and BUSY.  I just needed to stop.

Once I did that I was able to see things a little more clearly.  What did I want?  What was best? What would HE want me to do.  HE would want me to let Him help me.  So I did.  I cried and I screamed, and I let Him wash over me.

During this time...I did not paint for weeks...anything.  I to this day, have only painted on canvas one time, and it was such a struggle.  Colors didn't work, feelings we scattered.  Nothing worked.  But my journal....oh my journal has once again saved me. I couldn't stay out of my journal.  Art saves...I believe this, I know this.

So fast forward, I am in therapy.  Lots and lots of therapy, and I enjoy it.  My therapist asked me one day: "Carrie, how do you see yourself?  How do your friends and family see you?  How does God see you?"

I honestly did not have an answer, I knew what I HOPED would be their answers, but I didn't know for sure. I know I have people that love me, I know God loves me.....but I didn't know who I was through THEIR eyes.

So being an artist, I tend to work internal things out.....with paint, or pens or canvas.  I just had to work it out.  Ever since she asked that questions, the only thing I can paint in my me.  I am in a self reflection place.  I tend to think of it as self centered....but I know down deep that it is not.  I am trying to visualize how the world sees me.

As if I could just look in a mirror and the answers would come.  That would be great.  But sometimes the mirror is a savage place to be (shout out to Lisa Cheney for this realization) But I gotta keep looking.  I have to keep diving in and going deep.

Sometimes I feel like it is all too much.  That I keep seeing the same things over and over again, and they aren't pretty.  I let the chaos of the world around me, sometimes take up too much space in my head.  And I have to let it all go.

I know that I am a daughter of the King.  I know that I am precious in His sight.  I know that He loves me to the moon and back.  I know all these things in my heart, and I can put them down on paper.  I am just learning how to actually walk in them.

And the times when it is all too much.  I remember something my friend Diana spoke over our church last week.  That we are Daddy God's favorite, and He wants nothing more than to dance with us.  Even if it means we have to step on His toes to do it.