I needed help. Once I made the decision that it was way over my head, I didn't know what to do and would probably drown in the process....I stopped, I prayed and I listened. And then the journey really started. Peter Gabriel explains it perfectly.
I won't go into details, they don't matter anyway. What matters is- it took a weekend of me running away from home, alone, to the beach...to just...be. Be alone, be with God, be in my own skin. To not depend on activities and events and commitments to keep me busy and BUSY. I just needed to stop.
During this time...I did not paint for weeks...anything. I to this day, have only painted on canvas one time, and it was such a struggle. Colors didn't work, feelings we scattered. Nothing worked. But my journal....oh my journal has once again saved me. I couldn't stay out of my journal. Art saves...I believe this, I know this.
As if I could just look in a mirror and the answers would come. That would be great. But sometimes the mirror is a savage place to be (shout out to Lisa Cheney for this realization) But I gotta keep looking. I have to keep diving in and going deep.
Sometimes I feel like it is all too much. That I keep seeing the same things over and over again, and they aren't pretty. I let the chaos of the world around me, sometimes take up too much space in my head. And I have to let it all go.
I know that I am a daughter of the King. I know that I am precious in His sight. I know that He loves me to the moon and back. I know all these things in my heart, and I can put them down on paper. I am just learning how to actually walk in them.
And the times when it is all too much. I remember something my friend Diana spoke over our church last week. That we are Daddy God's favorite, and He wants nothing more than to dance with us. Even if it means we have to step on His toes to do it.